I was watching something the other day and the topic of discussion was "Your biggest challenge as a mother". The moms were saying such negative/ secretly positive things as being "too organized" (is that a thing really?) or the need to juggle too many activities. I did not even need to thing about mine, I knew immediately that my biggest challenge is my severe anxiety/ panic disorder.
I have suffered from anxiety since I was a teen, not just your normal "Gee this test as got me worried" anxiety but crippling the whole lunch room is looking at me and laughing at me kind of anxiety. My anxiety panic disorder peaked while I was in high school but it never fully went away. When in full panic mode I feel like my chest is collapsing in on me that and that my brain might just explode. I find he simplest of activities to be huge challenges.
When it was just me to worry about I could just avoid the areas that made me flip out (like over crowded malls, carnivals/ festivals, crowded yet intimate parties.large family gatherings especially ones involving extended family rarely seen) I just stayed at home when I knew that it would be to much for me to handle and if other people thought I was flaky because of my frequent cancellation of plans and gatherings then so be it.
Yet now I find myself having accommodate three other lives into the equation, three little lives that deserve to go to street fairs and large noisy gatherings of children. Almost all activities for children evoke my panic disorder to the extreme. Chuck E, Cheese is my worst nightmare, all the flashing lights, the throngs of people all jostling together, the loud squeals of laughter. I do not know what it is about laughter that cuts to my soul, I always feel like laughter is directed at me and it makes me uncomfortable...
The other day I wanted to take them to VBS (vacation bible school) they had been seeing advertisements for it everywhere and were fully psyched to attend it. the premise was promising or children 5 and up you could drop them off and leave them for three hours of fun and fellowship. I had been to VBS as a child and loved it, I liked meeting new friends, doing the crafts and most of all the snacks! But then here came the crux for Cullens age the parents were required to stay for the entire time I had steeled myself to stay for this time. Then I pulled up to the church and say the gaggle of Mommies outside with their jean skirts and artfully cut bobs who obviously all knew each other either from church or from the community and knew I did not belong. I just could not endure A) the questions about me and where I was from and what I did or B) the complete ignoring of me, both thoughts were equally unbearable to me. I felt the familiar thud of my heart in my chest, the sheen of sweat start to appear on my cheeks my head started to throb uncomfortably. Instead of pulling into the full parking lot I circled around and took them to the park instead. It was fun at the park a recent rainstorm had turned it into a make shift water park and I let them take off their shoes and go crazy. Yet I was filled with guilt they should be with other children doing crafts and singing " Jesus loves me" not running around like heathens at a school playground.
Then I started thinking about all the other opportunities they had been denied due to my special brand of crazy.Don't get me wrong I suck it up and put on my big girl panties and deal with it ore often than not. I have been to Chuck E. Cheese countless times and only had to excuse myself to quietly sob in the bathroom once (maybe twice but no one saw me!) There has been countless birthday parties where I am chanting " just cut the cake!" in my head over and over again., Yet is those times where I can not deal and have to cancel plans or leave events completely that haunt me. Will they grow up wondering why they were always the first to leave parties? Why I veto almost all county fairs and festivals? Or will they remember the time Mom took us to the park and told us to pretend to be ducks and splash in the puddles?
When it was just me to worry about I could just avoid the areas that made me flip out (like over crowded malls, carnivals/ festivals, crowded yet intimate parties.large family gatherings especially ones involving extended family rarely seen) I just stayed at home when I knew that it would be to much for me to handle and if other people thought I was flaky because of my frequent cancellation of plans and gatherings then so be it.
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| Similar to the image from my nightmares |
The other day I wanted to take them to VBS (vacation bible school) they had been seeing advertisements for it everywhere and were fully psyched to attend it. the premise was promising or children 5 and up you could drop them off and leave them for three hours of fun and fellowship. I had been to VBS as a child and loved it, I liked meeting new friends, doing the crafts and most of all the snacks! But then here came the crux for Cullens age the parents were required to stay for the entire time I had steeled myself to stay for this time. Then I pulled up to the church and say the gaggle of Mommies outside with their jean skirts and artfully cut bobs who obviously all knew each other either from church or from the community and knew I did not belong. I just could not endure A) the questions about me and where I was from and what I did or B) the complete ignoring of me, both thoughts were equally unbearable to me. I felt the familiar thud of my heart in my chest, the sheen of sweat start to appear on my cheeks my head started to throb uncomfortably. Instead of pulling into the full parking lot I circled around and took them to the park instead. It was fun at the park a recent rainstorm had turned it into a make shift water park and I let them take off their shoes and go crazy. Yet I was filled with guilt they should be with other children doing crafts and singing " Jesus loves me" not running around like heathens at a school playground.
Then I started thinking about all the other opportunities they had been denied due to my special brand of crazy.Don't get me wrong I suck it up and put on my big girl panties and deal with it ore often than not. I have been to Chuck E. Cheese countless times and only had to excuse myself to quietly sob in the bathroom once (maybe twice but no one saw me!) There has been countless birthday parties where I am chanting " just cut the cake!" in my head over and over again., Yet is those times where I can not deal and have to cancel plans or leave events completely that haunt me. Will they grow up wondering why they were always the first to leave parties? Why I veto almost all county fairs and festivals? Or will they remember the time Mom took us to the park and told us to pretend to be ducks and splash in the puddles?
Trust me your kids will have fantastic memories of merrily playing in the park splashing around like little ducklings. Much more than going to a large gathering where Mom is not as happy. Keep doing what you are doing. You are a wonderful mom!
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