Little Green Frog of Doom!

Here is the little fella'

      We are staring each other down we both know it is time we meet again  and neither of us wanted to ever see each other again.  It started out so good with us the first time we met three years ago, I was so full of hope! I really thought he was ushering in an era of new beginnings and now every time I look at him I get that sick feeling deep in the pit of my stomach.
      I am talking about my green Fisher-Price frog potty. With his eyes demurely gazing to the side giving the perspective pottier that sense of security( I can just imagine the discussions in the board room about the placement of the eyes on the potty. "No Bob if his eyes look directly forward it is like he is looking at the parent and judging! But if his eyes stare upward it is like he is trying to sneak a peek!") The frog has a smug smile on his face he is not grinning to broadly like he is overly excited to me in his unique position, nor is his expression to grim like he feels entirely to put upon.

Cabbage patch potty

One of the more deluxe models

   When I first purchased him in 2009 I fell in love with it, I looked at about ten different potties while shopping for the perfect one that would take my Colton from diapers to undies. I looked at ones shaped like tiny thrones, ones that had a little pretend flush that made the noise when pulled on (they reminded me entirely to much of the tiny potty I had for my Cabbage patch dolls when I was little , while the toy was always a big hit when I had friends over it felt weird to have my child peeing on something so similar) there ones that sang a little potty song, and just plain old ones that are just a tan plastic seat with a removable bowl. Then I found Mr. Frog, he was the perfectly mix of utility and whimsy, his bowl was easily removed and cleaned, he was not to large and required no batteries, but he was also cute a rarity in other simple potties I had found (oh and he was not pink! that was another problem I encountered I guess moms of girls complained that there was not enough girl themed baby items and then manufacturers decided took those complaints to heart so that instead of making everything the primary colors of the past everything would now be pink and purple.)
        After I took him home the problems with or relationship started at first Colton was slightly frighted by his frog potty. It took lots of gentle introductions and bribes to get him even sit on him. Then there was countless hours sitting front of the potty staring into his side cast eyes willing Colton to produce even a trickle of tinkle. After a grueling month I finally had Colton trained and I never wanted to see that dang frog again but alas our fates were to intertwine again a mere year later when it was time for Cody to train. 

        If I thought training Colton was hard Cody was near to impossible he refused to sit on the potty at all, or if you got him to sit on it he would stare at you insolently for a couple minutes and then get up and run away crying with his little bare butt showing. After nearly six months of  exhausting training that nearly took it all out of me Mr. Frog was put back into storage again and this time I really never wanted to see him ever again. Yet here we are staring each other down for one last show down. He is a little worse for the wear now, showing the battle scars that come with bringing three small boys from diapers to underwear. This time with Cullen while be our last battle together, after him Mr. Frog can retire move to Florida and play shuffleboard all day with his other potty friends. Then and only then while my hatred for him soften and turn to gentle nostalgia for times past.
    Who knows maybe someday years into the future when the boys are all grown, I will come upon a frog potty at some thrift shop some where. Peeking out shyly underneath some rack and I will look into his eyes and my own eyes will well with tears remembering our battles together all those years ago. I will nod my head at him and he will understand that all is forgiven.  

Beating Bedtime Adversity With a Good Story

A most and beautiful sight, Cullen napping

  My kids do not sleep, they have not napped since they were itty bitty babies and the act of getting them to bed at night is a long and complicated process.
    I love their bedtime routine it is the best time of day for bonding and has become a bit of a relaxation point for me (not as zen as when I listen to music and fold laundry but close.) First we read a minimum of two stories it was been as much as six but never as low as one. Just reading one story would be the equivocation to the world ending in my boys eyes.

Another rare nap

      I try to make the stories we read every night  relate to events that happened in the day. One day Colton was having a particularly rough day, first I put the wrong shoes on him two lefties one size1 one size 13. I did not find this out til he was already dropped of at school and I was going to get Cody ready for his school. (this was actually the second time this had happened, You see when you have boys that are basically twins there is not that much selection when shoes go a deep discount so I often have to buy them matching shoes not out of a need to be cute but because it is the cheapest way out) When I went to put on Cody's shoes for preschool we had only two righties one size 1 one size thirteen so I had to go back to Colton' s school, and explain the situation to the very kind and understanding school secretary and  march to his classroom with Cody in tow and switch shoes. This was embarrassing enough for any small boy but when I got to the classroom he was crying his eyes out because he did not get an award at the awards ceremony and he had got one the past two previous times and when he saw me he thought that situation had been rectified and he was now receiving an award. When he found out he was not receiving an award after all and I was only there because I had yet again failed to correctly shoe him he was beyond embarrassed and upset. His day did not get better there was another string of events that can shake a five year old to the core like not being chose for line leader and So and So said I was not his friend because he said  I am a "cry baby". Even when he got home the day did not go his way there was homework to do before TV time and his least favorite meal served at dinner.

     It was an Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible No Good Day  kind of day, he relates well to Alexander because he two has two other brothers. At the end of the story he seemed to relax and when we go to the part at the end where he says "My mom says some days are like that... Even in Australia" he  felt much better. He looked at me with his large luminous eyes and asked "Mommy if I move to Australia I could still have bad days?"  and I said "Yes sweetie everyone has bad days." and he says "Even you Mommy?" I laugh and say "Of course! but bad days are only one day you will have a good day tomorrow!" and he felt much better.

    I have so many books on their book shelve I have had to organize them seasonally ( Christmas, Halloween, fall, spring, winter) then Dolly Parton ( Dolly has a wonderful program called the Imagination Library and we have received a book from her for each boy every month since they were babies, it stops when they are five so next year only Cullen will receive a book) then there is favorites, and easy readers. Yet even with a over flowing book shelve I still go the library every week and check out two tote bags full of books. We devour books like candy and I love it, but our night time routine does not end at the book reading it also extends to song singing.
   First I have to sing  " I love (insert boys name)" it is sung to the tune of "Brother John" and has new and different verses every time it is sung, then we must sing "Forever Young" (it is a song that was at the end of The Care Bears Movie 2 the Next Generation not the Rod Stewart ditty) then there is a big hug and a big kiss for each boy and I say good night and leave the room . Then about ten to twenty minutes later Cody will ask for a glass of water and if you bring Cody a glass of  chances are Colton will want one too and chances are if Colton drinks a glass of water he is going to have to go potty and if Colton goes potty he is not going to be sleepy any more and he will want another story ( kind of like a certain mouse in another story on our favorites shelf)

Don't have a Panic Attack....or do... whichever

   I was watching something the other day and the topic of discussion was  "Your biggest challenge as a mother". The moms were saying such negative/ secretly positive things as being "too organized" (is that a thing really?) or the need to juggle too many activities. I did not even need to thing about mine, I knew immediately that my biggest challenge is my severe anxiety/ panic disorder.

   I have suffered from anxiety since I was a teen, not just your normal  "Gee this test as got me worried" anxiety but crippling the whole lunch room is looking at me and laughing at me kind of anxiety. My anxiety panic disorder peaked while I was in high school but it never fully went away. When in full panic mode I feel like my chest is collapsing in on me that  and that my brain might just explode. I find he simplest of activities to be huge challenges.
  When it was just me to worry about I could just avoid the areas that made me flip out (like over crowded malls, carnivals/ festivals, crowded yet intimate parties.large family gatherings especially ones involving extended family rarely seen) I just stayed at home when I knew that it would be to much for me to handle and if other people thought I was flaky because of my frequent cancellation of plans and gatherings then so be it.

Similar to the image from my nightmares

    Yet now I find myself having accommodate  three other lives into the equation, three little lives that deserve to go to street fairs and large noisy gatherings of children. Almost all activities for children evoke my panic disorder to the extreme. Chuck E, Cheese is my worst nightmare, all the flashing lights, the throngs of people all jostling together, the loud squeals of laughter. I do not know what it is about laughter that cuts to my soul, I always  feel like laughter is directed at me and it makes me uncomfortable...
    The other day I wanted to take them to VBS (vacation bible school) they had been seeing advertisements for it everywhere and were fully psyched to attend it. the premise was promising or children 5 and up you could drop them off and leave them for three hours of fun and fellowship. I had been to VBS as a child and loved it, I liked meeting new friends, doing the crafts and most of all the snacks! But then here came the crux for Cullens age the parents were required to stay for the entire time I had steeled myself to stay for this time. Then I pulled up to the church and say the gaggle of Mommies outside with their jean skirts and artfully cut bobs who obviously all knew each other either from church or from the community and knew I did not belong. I just could not endure A) the questions about me and where I was from and what I did or B) the complete ignoring of me, both thoughts were equally unbearable to me. I felt the familiar thud of my heart in my chest, the sheen of sweat start to appear on my cheeks my head started to throb uncomfortably.  Instead of  pulling into the full parking lot I circled around and took them to the park instead. It was fun at the park a recent rainstorm had turned it into a make shift water park and I let them take off their shoes and go crazy. Yet I was filled with guilt they should be with other children doing crafts and singing " Jesus loves me" not running around like heathens at a school playground.
   Then I started thinking about all the other opportunities they had been denied due to my special brand of crazy.Don't get me wrong I suck it up and put on my big girl panties and deal with it ore often than not. I have been to Chuck E. Cheese countless times and only had to excuse myself to quietly sob in the bathroom once (maybe twice but no one saw me!) There has been countless birthday parties where I am chanting " just cut the cake!" in my head over and over again., Yet is those times where I can not deal and have to cancel plans or leave events completely that haunt me. Will they grow up wondering why they were always the first to leave parties? Why I veto almost all county fairs and festivals? Or will they remember the time Mom took us to the park and told us to pretend to be ducks and splash in the puddles?

                

  

Ain't no Cure for the Summertime Blues

Popsicles how I love thee

  I hate summer I have hated summer since I was a kid. Sure school is out but that is fun for like the first two weeks and then it gets boring.I like popsicles, the eating of them and just the basic imagery of them. In fact I would say the only thing I like about summer is that stores put up pictures of popsicles   I do not do well in the heat ,I hate being hot, I would rather cold. If you are cold you can throw on an extra sweater snuggle under some blankets fix it. It takes a lot more to become not hot once you have reached a certain level of heat. I also have never looked good in a swimsuit another key point of summertime fun.
   I also dislike the pressure of summer vacations you feel like you should go somewhere do something. When I was younger we never went on huge vacations we went to the local theme park Carowinds and once or twice we went to the beach but that was not an every year thing. When school would go back to session and we had to write the obligatory " What I did this Summer" essay I was always jealous of the other kids essays. My best friend went to visit her Grandma in Orlando Florida every year and went to Sea World and Disney World. All my Grandparents lived near which was great because we got to see them a lot but we also never had the need to leave the state.

   The one time we tried to go to Disney World it ended in disaster, it was probably the worst vacation anyone has ever had ever. First our minivan nearly hydroplaned off the road, then shortly after we smelled a horrible reminiscent of  Easter eggs left to go bad.Then the car started shaking and smoking and the  engine fell out of the car.It late at night  and my Dad had to leave us on the side of the road to go look for help (this was before the advent of cell phones, people had them in 1993 but they were not household yet). My Mom, sister and me had to cower in the van for who knows how long until my Dad arrived with a tow truck. This was somewhere in Georgia , deep backwoods Georgia that the car pooped out. I think the town was called Hickman , but that could have just been what my parents were calling it. There was no civilization for what seemed like miles and miles ans coming from Charlotte where the comforting glow of neon greets you nearly every where I was scared he would never find people. We then had to ride  in the minivan while attached to the tow truck swaying this way and that in  a ride that was more terrifying than any ride at the park. We were then left to languish at a garage for sometime, I remember the couch there was made of uncomfortable burlap-ish material and there was lots of various garage debris strewn about. From there we had to ride in  Taxi with all our belongings to an airport it was here I learned that the Disney trip was fully canceled from the airport we would rent a car and drive back home. We had to wait in the airport lobby for a about an hour or so while my dad rented the car. It was torture seeing all the children carrying Mickey dolls wearing Mickey ears going on the dream vacation I had just been so rudely denied. I was purchased a stuffed Minnie Mouse at the Disney Store as he consolation prize for my thwarted vacation.
    Now I worry I am giving my children bummer summers, we do all the free stuff around that is fun but they still seem bored. A vacation is out of the question for us this year not only financially but with Cody and Cullen's special issues the planning of it would be terrible. I have taking them to the park, to family Place, The Cradle of Forestry, The Community Pool., yet they still seem bored. I made a big basket and filled it with coloring books and crayons and flash cards and learning supplies and let them have at it. Yet they still seem filled with ennui. I wish I could take them on fun vacations such but it just is not feasible right now. So I need fun and CHEAP summer time suggestions to help my little boos shake off the summertime blues